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The Ant and the Grasshopper (Modern Version)


It's finally over but most of us are unhappy. I have a few moments and will finish the ant and the grasshopper. I am sure you remember the original. This is the modern version and it gives us notice of what is coming now:

The ant works hard in the withering heat of the summer every day building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving, CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant and his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, the poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias" and makes a case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries and signs "It's Not Easy Being Green"

Bill and Hillary make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan Administration summers, as Bill refers to it "Temperatures the 80's"

Richard Gebhart exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share"

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of summer. The ant was fined for failing to hire an appropriate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government.

Hilary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant. The case is tried before a panel of federal judges, that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 p.m. when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.

As the story ends we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant disappears in the snow. And on the TV which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill standing before a wild applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

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